Friday, 7 September 2012

Journey of Love- "A match made in Heaven"




…More words dropped.
“whish flaght r u taking?”
“qwhat’s urp?”and where is ur monda ?’’
“Will u eat rice?”
 Hungry as I was I couldn’t agree to another chance of parading myself with this palot and his louis vuitton in a restaurant for more well-meaning Nigerians to see. So I boned and said “No”.

My luck turned around when someone called out my name behind me. I turned around to a familiar face, with no name on my mind registered to the same address. But this was my chance. I took it, sprang up before Osas could blink. Opinions may differ, but I believe I ran towards her in slow motion with very “hero-like music” playing in the background of my mind.

I hugged and grabbed her like a long lost friend, and quickly steered her toward the bar to go get a well-deserved drink and most importantly get out of Osas’s reach

*          *         *        

The hours passed quite quickly over drinks and gossip of old school mates and things,until finally my flight was announced. I made a beeline for the boarding gate and after all routine checks, I sat myself snugly in a window seat of the small aircraft. (I must state at this point that installation of plus size-friendly seats should be considered by airline operators.*just saying*)

So finally my ordeal was over, and I could fly safely, and begin the mad weekend of family bonding, bickering and fighting. Thoughts of the welcoming starch and owho soup made my tummy growl.
“Patience my dear”I whispered fondly to it with a gentle rub, unaware of what fortune had stored for me on the adjoining seat”.

 It wasn’t his size that scared me, really. It was the huge drops of sweat that now beaded his neck like a 1960’s choker, and his massive headphones which clung like a hangman’s noose. He plopped himself down beside me, and with apparent effort, attempted to buckle his seat belt. It took him all of 3 minutes, and in all of this time, I maintained my cool. It wasn’t until he asked me if he could remove the armrest that separated my tummy from his, that I became quite flustered – as in wetin come be dat one na?we relate? tcheeeeew. I didn’t so much as cast a sideways glance. Nonsense!

The plane took off and I quietly slipped into a very deep but brief nap – my empty tummy beckoned. I woke up to find the attendant had gone past me, and Heaven forbid that I call her back for their lonely meat pie. I turned towards the window and willed myself to sleep, but no o! Fat boy neighbour had other plans.

At first, I could have sworn I was dreaming. Was that stew I perceived or …? I tried to ignore it until I heard the rustling of a nylon bag JUST BESIDE ME!!!

I turned around slowly and ALAS my seat-mate had just popped open a bag of nicely stewed meat, and was digging in quite joyfully…Ha!

At that moment someone somewhere said; “na wa o, inside plane again? SOME PEOPLE SHUD JUST STICK TO EKENE DILI CHUKWU”. That comment will live with me forever.

I could have died at that very moment but I’m not sure which would have killed me first;
1.      Embarrassment, or
2.    Longathroat.
That was some maaaad meat, mehnnnnnn! It was all I could do not to pally the guy, and beg him small meat. Chai!!!

Clearly, having traced the aroma to my seat, the flight attendant with a beautiful smile says, ‘Madam, please food is not allowed on the plane’.

I SHOCK!!

“Na me dey chop the food?” Then I saw it. Fatso had taken advantage of my snooze to remove the only barrier between us - The Armrest.

And there we were now seated like an overweight pair on an episode of Biggest Loser - Couples Edition....Me frowning, and him licking stew off his fingers.

Just my luck….








26 comments:

karina tackleberry said...

ℓ̊†̥ af be! Was ℓ̊†̥ world stupid day?lmfao!!! Can't stop laughing. My guess Ȋ̝̊̅ڪ, this aint the end ☀̤̣̈̇f your freaky ordeal... U̶̲̥̅̊ r lucky he wasn't eating edible and kpo kpo garri. Lol

Temmy said...

lmao...he should really have stuck with ekenedili chukwu...

Anonymous said...

Lmaoooo @ d biggest loser-couples edition bit...cracking me up big time!!!

Anonymous said...

Now this is hillarious...

Samar Rhymes said...

Hahahahahaaha!!! Pam Pam! U haff kill me with laughtering o! Nice one tho' mmmmmmmmmmwah!!!!

Lily said...

Nice and funny story. I especially liked the beginning with the funny english. Keep it up

TopeA said...

LaughWanTearMyBelle! Onome ooooo,abeg no kill me abeg. Another nice one for d weekend.

SEJ said...

This must have been an ordeal!!!! Kpele Pamz (PS pls Pamz is mine alone, readers take note). Look forward to making up my day with your column. SEJ

Tiny said...

As usual, another mind blowing & thoroughly entertaining read. U should have stuck to the 'lonely meatpie'! Lmao.. Good fun babes.

Tashtout said...

Hehe Onomeeeeeeeeeeeee! I can just imagine your famous dirty look at the guy! You have given me serious giggles today. Hurry up back to Scotland I miss you. Tasha xx

e4ma danj said...

Nomskiiiiiii goodness me. Now am laffing like mad and everyone is wondering who dis psycho is? U shld put a warning "read at ur own risk" shou!!! Dat ur biggest loser partner" is a clown. I hv had d same "stewed meat eatin" ordeal on a bus trip to london haba! Tanx for making my day.

Akinde Olamidun said...

Nice post..keeping my eyes peeled for the next one :)

Tiny said...

As usual, another mind blowing & thoroughly entertaining read. U should have stuck to the 'lonely meatpie'! Lmao.. Good fun babes.

oti ometie said...

LOL!! Nice one.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, very very talented. My first time here and i will be coming back.

blondegirl_chronicles said...

Sister.....m dyin wit laughter.....u funny girl...opps i just realised dt did id brorhied accnt....miss u loads.

blondegirl_chronicles said...

Nice piece.lmao....love it

blondegirl_chronicles said...

Sister.....m dyin wit laughter.....u funny girl...opps i just realised dt did id brorhied accnt....miss u loads.

2-2 said...

okpemu!!! lord ha' mercy. u just dont quit. love this and love u more.

Obebeduo Tega Fabian said...

keep em coming babes cracked me up big time

Obebeduo Tega Fabian said...

keep em coming babes cracked me up big time

Sylvia Ofoegbu said...

Onome, u no go kill me o. It reminds me so much why i miss u so so much!

aniekan g said...

This is the third time I am reading this and it is still as funny as it was the first time... "I SHOCK!!

“Na me dey chop the food?” Then I saw it. Fatso had taken advantage of my snooze to remove the only barrier between us - The Armrest." That gives me the funniest imagery.

Anonymous said...

Where av u been darlyn. Laughing uncontrollably. My boss had to come remind me dat am at work. I can imagine wat u went through nd I no envy u at all. Gud one gurl.


Kube

D£B$ said...

Mememe!!! I can't stop laughing o! My father in-law kept looking @ me, like is dis girl alrite? LOLzzz! He is watching tv n I am still laughing with no one else in d livingroom...
Nice one cuz..lol

Ferrantello said...

Nomskiiiiiii goodness me. Now am laffing like mad and everyone is wondering who dis psycho is? U shld put a warning "read at ur own risk" shou!!! Dat ur biggest loser partner" is a clown. I hv had d same "stewed meat eatin" ordeal on a bus trip to london haba! Tanx for making my day.