The loud snore and lingering fragrance of not-so-cheap female perfume had accomplished its malicious intent. It was one of those nights when I wished I didn’t have to sleep just to avoid the impending darkness of another sunny day. One of those nights when my bed typified “worlds apart”.
One of those nights when seconds stretched into hours within themselves, extending my pain, igniting my rage, sharpening my gift. I could sense it again. Ah yes, I could. The all too familiar feel of sand slipping from my fingers, of earth shifting beneath and clouds gathering above. The sting of failure ...the sense of loss.
“It’ll be alright”, I sang to myself Cradling my heart in the painstaking words of heroes past. (Christened “Heroes”, only because in public glare, they had skilfully mastered an art which bore their shame, hid their pain, masked their anguish…for could we but look underneath the shiny armours, we would find Layers of the not-so-shiny).
My once healthy heart had become plagued and infected with thoughts swimming in the ever-so-bitter bile of disappointment and misfortune.
How is it that I alone could remember the way our eyes lit up at the first glance of each other? The proverbial nightcap that glided gently into a memorable sunrise. The way our hearts were so in sync that each could literally read the other’s thoughts?
Had I been dreaming when I clearly heard him say “I’ll always protect you” or was it a somewhat selective memory that had caused me to forget the even clearer look of uncertainty in those soulful eyes? Or maybe it was just that innate motherly instinct to cradle and comfort? Surely I hadn’t taken this jump alone; or had I?
The truth, however, was that I did know. I had just chosen a different reality. In choosing to be a spectator in my own life I had succeeded in betraying the audience; my very own self. The absent-minded nods that had replaced fervent fevered words dripping with promise the firm smack on the butt that had quietly come to replace the once reassuring kiss on the forehead. The off-handed answers to the questions I considered significant to our future as a couple…. The ever-present ellipses at the end of his sentences…..? But how did I get here in the first place?
Let’s start at the very beginning shall we….