Thursday, 22 November 2012

The weekend finale

…It was electrifying. My body was suddenly charged with mad energy. My face felt tight and pulled back like it had been stapled at the ears. Strangely though, I was smiling. Suddenly everything was loud, lights were brighter and my senses were heightened. I felt so ALIVE. If a pin had dropped, I would not only have heard it, I would have found it. I could have sworn my feet didn’t touch the floor as I floated towards the poolside. Clearly, someone had flipped the switch from dulling to banging cos mehnnnnnn the place was BANGING!!!

There were now a lot of half-naked girls in very daring bikinis which served as a wonderful distraction for me cos Goggles was being toasted by a beautiful yellow girl who was dancing something dangerously close to atilogwu. Hian!

I realized at that moment I was HUNGRY. As in the kind with the burning sensation in your stomach that tells you the worms have gone on rampage and if something is not done to manage the escalating situation, there will be more ripping and burning. I guess the party wasn’t ready for me yet.

I turned around and headed towards Voke’s hotel room to explain my predicament to my good friend only to find the door ajar and the room empty, save a tray of huge chunks of cake. I descended on it like a laborer on hot poundo. I didn’t stop until the hunger subsided, all the holes plugged and restless worms employed. I washed it down with two cans of red bull - food wen dem tief de sweet sha. Rubbed hands against mouth and then against gown to get rid of the evidence, two quick peeks in opposite direction and then I made for the scene of the main event.

 I sighted Voke close to the pool and made my way towards her, all the while willing my face to retain a look of innocence.
“Babe, I don de fear! Where you dey since?” she tackled like a concerned friend would.
“I’ve been around” I replied with a big smile that somehow did not feel familiar
“Ehen, my friend, Tobi come meet me say e de like you o, he’s a nice boy sha”.
“Which one? The one wen wear glasses so?” Right back at her with exaggerated interest.
“Yes, but babe y r u smiling like this? Hope say u no ….blablablabla”

I hadn’t stopped listening to her. I can swear it. I was staring attentively at her lips, I watched them form word but something must have messed up the audio transmitter because I kept hearing “blah blah blah”. I guess she was trying to warn me of what was going to happen next because right about then a group of very excited girls spotted me still clothed, ran over and flung me into the pool…. I hit the water hard. This caused a small tsunami that thankfully went un-noticed. I let myself sink to the bottom of the pool, admiring the bubbles escape from my lips. It was about that time something within me snapped.

At this point I can’t say with 100% certainty that I saw a bright light sha o but there must have been.  What I can say is whatever happened in that pool, whatever the “manifestation”, transformation or possession that occurred made me a different person. I felt like superman when he just discovered he could fly. And with arms spread out low on both sides I felt my new self gloriously ascend to the surface.

This was what happened next:

You remember the scene in the movie “Die Another Day(James Bond)” where Halle Berry rose out of the pool and walked slowly and gracefully towards Pierce Brosnan? If you do then picture this:
1)    Every endowment she flaunted I can boast of being twice blessed in size.
2)    Added to this was the fact that I wasn’t wearing a bikini but a thin WET gown that grabbed at every portion of skin until it all seemed as one
3)    My hair lying smooth right down to my shoulders as if they had been combed by mermaids; every strand in place except for a tiny thread that crossed my fore-head to douse the blinding glow of my left eye.
4)    The full moon happily embellishing the picture
5)    For some reason the music skipped and stopped and all you could hear were my footfalls.

Sublime! The one word that appropriately describes how I felt. Those bitches made a terrible mistake when they threw me into the pool.

Forgive my arrogance but at that point you couldn’t convince me I was mere human. With my nipples sticking out like bullets, I surveyed the crowd like a sniper looking for the right target - I needed my James Bond. Tobi, (codenamed Goggles) marked the spot. Then began the graceful sway forward with hips that felt like they had been greased for years in preparation for this moment.

I stopped in front of the helpless mortal, slowly moved the wayward strand from my left eye and said to him in a cherubic voice “Could you please help me out of this wet gown”……

….what happened after will remain top secret to the day I die - some part of me wishes it was that day.

The indomie had gone cold by the time he had finished recounting the incidents of last night and filling all the loop holes. Well I had lost my appetite anyways and all I wanted was to get to Voke’s. He took me on a bike to her place and it was there she explained very carefully what had really happened. ALL the food at the party had been heavily laced with weed!!!

She was enraged when she discovered that I had taken two bowls of peppersoup and blamed that for my un-doing which she said may not yet be fully out of my system and warned that I would be experiencing small bouts of highness intermittently as it would have to go through the whole digestive process. I don die be that.

“Thank God you only had peppersoup o, that one go soon fade”, she said. “At least before afternoon”.

As the words came out of her mouth, I instantly remembered te stolen cake!!!It was one long weekend…


topeA said...

A looooong weekend indeed, a good lesson for party mongers. Nice piece as usual keep it up.

Anonymous said...

Loll na real james bond,it made me laugh weeed awww!!!


Suspense filled as usual, wat won't I give to see the James bond moves

Dobby said...

Suspense filled post....Nice!

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